Watever happen??

I was hoping to catch a movie with Ah Lou but alas he got work till late today. Then I sms his best friend KY for his msn email address. I don’t know y but I kinda felt Ah Lou is a little upset with me. He stopped his usual teasing which I missed a great deal now. He’s kinda addictive. Talking to him on msn is like taking drugs. I need a dosage daily, if not, something seemed amiss, not complete. It works like antibiotics too. I need to finish the whole course or it will do more damage than anything else. 2 servings a day works perfectly well for me. My day would become a 5 whisk day. Nothing could irritate me enough. I be grinning from ear to ear even while I m stuck in a traffic jam, reminiscing past dialogues, his mischievous grins and so forth. But well, now he seems upset with me.

I told my most sensitive, best gay friend James and my fashion guru, En about it. En is positive saying a little jealously is always a good thing when it comes to men. I certainly hope so. I want to believe it and live by it. Hoping it will spur him to take things to the next level. Call me, ask me out officially! I do my best to say yes without sounding too excited. I will sound spontaneous. Like…. Sure, I like that. Let’s hang out! How nice! Why am I still evolving around these mind playing strategies? And why am I rehearsing these planned dialogues in my mind the whole time. This is driving me crazy. It’s like there’s this broken record player going on and on about things that have yet to happen, might never even happen. I feel like a loser. I am turning 30 soon. Shouldn’t everything be stable and steady, I dun have to worry about sounding eager, I should be and over qualified to be in a good and very stable relationship whereby marriage is the only thing that needs planning and require my attention at the moment.

It’s 1.30am; I missed my dosage of antibiotics today. I felt like I m in a sea with cold, lonely waters. The lonely water swarmed mercilessly over me, I felt overwhelmed by the emptiness, cold cutting through my spine. There should be something, the air seemed to be telling me I m missing out something. This shouldn’t be happening. I m supposed to have an interesting itinerary today that spelt of fun, laughter, anxiety and romance. But it didn’t happen. I m listening to the insomniac trance which promised to put any troubled child gently to bed. But it doesn’t seem to work. Why is that so? It only made the air seem void, devoid of life. Everything around me seemed so still all of a sudden. The stillness that smelled of death. No living organism could ever have survived.

What am I to do, I stared at my cell phone, hoping for a miracle which seem impossible. My heart just lay flatly, left to my own devices, surrendering to the vacuum that’s engulfing me right now. I surrender obediently without question. No struggle, no fight, it’s done.

Love impossible

This is my 1st post, virgin entry. Well, let me attempt.... hm.... jus talk abt something general, Love.

Most pple, at a young age hope to find that someone to love and be loved wholeheartedly in return. Besides God, is there no true love elsewhere? Why is it so difficult to find that somebody? After you ‘ve found that someone, it’s another uphill task to maintain the passion and relationship. Is happiness such hard work?

Relationship after relationship, doesn’t it get tiresome and tedious? You fall in love with someone really special, u think u were made for each other. Your love seemed the greatest thing that ever happened in the world. News of men walking on moon paled in comparison to your love. You think then that the whole world evolved just for both of you. Your entire world revolved around that someone. Just then, least expectedly, things turn sour, bad, the fiery passion fade to naught. Who get the blame? Regrets, remorse, bitterness, all the negative feelings overwhelmed you. Is it worth it at the end of the day? If not, why do we do it again and again in an attempt to find it and make it right?

You resuscitate a broken or even dead heart, revive and restore it, u nurse it back to health, accumulate enough savings in your love bank. And just when u give your all, putting all your stakes in one bet, forgetting about the past mistake made, you fall in love with the wrong person, ta-daa! There u go, your past mistake staring right at you in your face, making you feel like the greatest loser in the world. Why didn’t we listen to our investment gurus and diversify our bets? Would it make it better? Why do we make the same mistakes over and over again? Human managed to conquer the moon, invent the gigantic flying machines to shrink the distance, why didn’t they come up with a formula for a fool proof way to avoid all the pitfalls of Love? Or did they try but to no avail? Why is there such a great hoo-haa to love? Can it ever be define? Can anybody ever live without it, never desiring or hoping for it to come in their lives? Can our body and mind function well without it? If not, why do we take all these risk and hassles? As we relentlessly pursue love and happiness, what is it really that hook us?

That unselfish, agape love, does it exist at all? I m sorry but I m a cynic. It doesnt happen, at least not to me. Maybe it does happen, to pple around you, in fairytales, to your friends' friends you never heard of, but never to you. And that makes it worse, isnt it? Love is all around, happening to the short, fat, rude, unfaithful pple but never to you.

Even if u r rendered as above average looking or attractive by Singapore standards with pretty good dress sense It's not happening to you. Even if you are a good homemaker, submissive, faithful, love kids coupled with more than decent culinary skills, fun loving with great sense of humour. Independent, income tax paying citizen and owns a normal car, which means financially wise, u r pretty good by Singapore standard.

No, it's still not happening to you. And then in months, u are turning thirty. Pass your prime age oredi, gal!! Give it up!!! When has they put an imaginary expiry date on gals? Just because you pass that sweet mid twenties category age box.

Then you get comments that say the little success you are enjoying in your career is an obstacle to finding love. When has your earning power become a consideration to men, Singapore men who aren't that fabulous after all? Please..... And if I do become successful, I wanna be able to celebrate and not feel sorry for it. The wort part is I m not even ambitous or make a lot of money in the 1st place. I just wanna enjoy my work and do it well. But when men r successful, it become an asset. They earn 10 brownie points for that. But if u are a gal and is enjoying some career success, u lose 10 brownie points. You get punished for it. Ridiculous!!! When has a gal's economy valuebecome a stumbling block to her love life? Or maybe it's something else???