What am I now?

I try to put the past behind me. I know it's not necessary to find the answer to every question. It's not easy to do that, at least not for me. To let go of everything in the past is like living detached, devoid. It's like denying the person that I've become. I m now because of my past, isn't it?

I guess I can't really let go. Instead, I've tried to become the person I 'm not. I've become a cynic, I hide behind this shell, so afraid for others to know the real me, so afraid to be vulnerable. I've put all my hopes to sleep. Because when u don't hope, you don't get disappointed. This is the new me.

I went to bala again on wed, and guess wat? I saw B with his friend. I was certain he saw me too but he tried to avoid me like plague. He couldnt be a man and say hi. Of course I don't feel good, but I hid my feelings, have a few drinks and all, looking forward to go to mambo. My friend doesn't want to see me affected, so I did my best to appear unaffected. I tried to be cool about it and I think I did a pretty good job.

I reached zouk, still feeling shitty but trying to enjoy myself. We danced, cork tease the men, party and drink. And I did something I never did before and never thought of doing. I brought a man home. I actually want to have an ONS. He looks kinda cool. I cant recall who initiated it but it came all naturally. He seemed like a seasoned player. I reached home, sober up a little and became extremely nervous as this is my 1st time. I never even had a fling before and now I m going to have a one nite stand with a man I met for the 1st time. It was awkward for me, I cant' say that I feel good or lousy. I just wanted to do it, something different to distract myself. I tried to be cool abt it as well, told him we din have to exchange nos and pretend we are gonna call. But by saying that, I wasnt cool. I should have just get it over and done with and not say anything. He was well prepared, I wouldnt say he's bad, he's got good bed ettiquettes and all. And most importantly, he smelt so good. And might I add, he's a good kisser too. Another 2 brownie points for him. And I said something totally uncool to him, I din think that I did that good, I mean performance in bed and all, so I told him it was my 1st ONS. You 'r kidding me, he said. I reply, well, believe if you want to. I said that maybe in a way to justify my lack of performance :p. The truth is I think I m suffering from low self esteem. Like how my friend keep telling me that I m very unattractive to men coz I m too skinny. That men like woman with flesh and all. Therefore I become very conscious when I have to bare my body. The fact is I actually love my body, I think I m porportionate, just a little thin. I do have boobs that are not miserably small. I told him I can't stand having someone around me all the time, that's why I don't want a relationship. I feel suffocated. I m lying.

He left after I wash up and all. The horrifying thing is that I think he's attractive after all, I have this secret hope of keeping him as a fuck buddy. I thought I can have sex like a man, detached and all but I think I did let a little emotion get into me, siilly me. But sorry, I can't control myself. It's not that I want him as a life partner and all, no, far from it. I guess I just want to be desired by him. I know he's probably had plenty of ONS before. I don't know, I m so confused. But I 'm ok with the fact that we din keep in touch and all but I know I will bump into him again when I go clubbing. The thing is I want to know I can do this. I can become this person I'm not. That I m not that uptight. I 've been very well behaved past 2 years that I been alone, I stay alone, it's so convenient and easy to bring men home but I've never. I put my trust in Him, at the end of the day, what do I get? I've not gone on a single date for more than 2 years. I been trying to do the right things all the time. I'm tired. I m lonely, I want to be wanted, I want to let go, I want to be a little bad, I want to do naughty things.

I want to become this person I'm not. It's scary when I think about how much I've changed over the past one month. Too much water under the bridge, too much have happened. And I'm supposed to go through it without being emotional, is that possible? Coz my friend claim she cant handle it when I'm emotional. I got over my ex bf death in 3 days. It's an amazing feat for me. And I did it by myself. My friends used to laugh at me, saying I m a nun, closed up, not having any sex, not meeting men and it's not that I m not attractive. Most of the time, I do get attention from the opposite sex when I go out. The thing is what am I now? I can't define myself. I've become a total slut. Now I party with an agenda, I want to find some action at the end of the day.

I went out on friday for a drink, some guys came over, they were just being friendly, talking and amusing me and my gf. Then we started talking a little, about crying, I m a cry baby, I cried at some weddings, when I m stressed up, I cry at movies, even at some cartoons. My eyes are like water wells, I can cry very easily, but of course I din say any of these to them. I do not want to be seemed as the vulnerable gal. So I said to them ; I've not shed a tear since I was 13. I don't know why, I want to cry and I feel sad and all the emotions, but I cant cry. The guys were shocked. Are you serious? They asked. Then this guy started saying; maybe it's because you never gave your all in anything, you kept a part of you always, u are afraid to give it all, u have emotions insurance, that's why u never cry at anything. Is that right? I asked. Maybe you are right. I told him. But I know it's the total opposite. I gave too much of myself in all things, I feel too much for things. I cry watching Finding Nemo. I cry listening to songs. But what am I trying to do here? I m lying, I m covering myself up in this shell which I feel comfortable hiding behind. I looked too cool, too tough and that's the way I want it. My friends doesnt want me emotional and I feel protected when I have this shield, when pple don't know the real me. The desperado who feel lonely, who needs someone badly, who 's been hurt time and again, who can't detached herself from the past, who have all this romanticism in her that she's trying to put it all away, who cherish the hope of being married and wants to dedicate herself to being a good wife and mother.

I know what I 've become ; A cynical angry depressive maniac, a complusive liar who live in denial. Maybe I 'm just trying to hurt God, coz I m angry, I m pissed. Maybe I m just hurting myself in the end. Maybe I m just living for the moment. I 'm putting this down in a blog so that in case I lost my identity, one day, I can retrieve it back if I want to. This is a phrase, maybe. Or this could be permanant. I m scared to shit sometimes at what I've done, what I've become. Inside me, I m miserable. But I do enjoy the carefree new me sometimes, like I can cork tease strangers and party without care and worry. I like pretending that I can't stand marriage and all. Maybe if I pretend long enough, I will become this person, this shell I been hiding behind. That's not a bad idea, right. Then I wont have so much hopes and dreams dashed. I can be at peace, without feeling any lack. This is me now.

Both sides now

So many things have happened in the past one month. It's overwhelming. My ex got married a month ago. At the same time, I met this Indonesian guy at zouk members bar. He's 3 years younger than me and he's kinda cute. So I thought good, I can use some distraction here. He comes here to visit his friends every month as he used to study here. He was kinda sweet and a little shy. I sent him back to the hotel, but we din do anything cause I didn't feel up to it. He jus held my hand and watch me sleep.

A week ago, my ex ex boyfriend drowned and died in Phuket. I freaked out when I receive the news. It's not that I still love him but why does he have to die suddenly? I broke down. I went to his wake, seeing his body lying in the coffin, so different. It was so surreal. The one that I used to love and hug, now lying there in that little box, so different. I had to fight back my tears at the wake, my eyes were already so puffed up crying at home. I held on till I reached the car, I broke down, I wept profusely. How can he just die on me like that? The 2 great loves I had in my life. One had a wedding, the other a funeral all within a month.

The Indonesian guy, B, told me he's coming back for the weekend and that he's gonna call me. Didn't want him to feel obligated, I told him he don't have to call if he's busy, but call me if he wants to. ' Don't be silly, I wanna call you', he said. So after mourning for my ex's death, I prepared myself for his coming. Went for facial, waxing, bought new lingerie and all. I thought he can be a distraction.

Friday, he 's not back yet, sat no call from him still. Think he came back on Sunday nite which I found out on Monday morning. Still no sound from him. By 7pm, after 3 martinis, I decided to drop him an sms. No reply after half an hour. After my fourth martini, I decide to call him. Several rings later, he picked up and abruptly told me he's busy, at a hawker center, call me back in half an hour. I was a little pissed with his reaction. After abt an hour later, sent him an sms; enjoy your stay and don't bother returning my call. It was my martini talking.

I went for dinner and 2nd round of drinks at balaclava which was boring as it was a monday nite. Except this 2 irritating duo who came over, onc with a deep receding hairline. Yes, now I m shallow. I only go for looks. I don't care if they are marriageable material or not, or if they make enough money. The band was good though, playing some hits which was poignant, hit right at my heart. I was in a state whereby I m ready to bring any cutie home if I come across one. I never even had a one nite stand before, nor a fling. But I m very emotionally vulnerable at this time.

What did I do wrong? I played by the rules. I nvr once mention anything abt feelings, emotions. I didn't even ask abt his status, single, married, attached? I m not looking for a relationship. I can't handle one now. I can't stand having someone around all the time. So there I tot B would be the perfect fling, company whatever since he's hardly in town. But now he just dropped me like a pin. Shite! I can't even define us. We are not a fling, not a one nite stand ( I din even sleep with him), let alone a relationship. We are jus a 'whatever'. And now I m being dropped by a 'whatever'. I know how paranoid guys can get when gals talked abt feelings and all. I skipped all of that. Anyway, we only met twice. I abide by the rules to the best of my knowledge, and now I m being dropped like a pin. I m pathetic. I broke down, not because I feel for this B jerk, but because I felt so rejected, so worthless. I was picked up by him and dropped just like that. Nothing. He didn't even bother a word. He cant be fucking bothered to say or show anything.

Can my life get worse than this? I've not had a relationship for 3 years. Dropped. I was dropped just like that, no rhyme or reason. With all the drama going on in my life, I thought that some distraction will do me good, but now it only made me feel worse about myself. I don't wanna play games, I just want some straight talking. Lay your cards and all. I can handle that better than being kept guessing.

Yes, u think I m pathetic and probably u are right! If you are a player and u chance upon this blog, please give me some advice and point out why am I being dropped like that. Pls offer yr 2 cents worth of thoughts, appreciate that very much. I m confused and lost.