What am I now?
I try to put the past behind me. I know it's not necessary to find the answer to every question. It's not easy to do that, at least not for me. To let go of everything in the past is like living detached, devoid. It's like denying the person that I've become. I m now because of my past, isn't it?
I guess I can't really let go. Instead, I've tried to become the person I 'm not. I've become a cynic, I hide behind this shell, so afraid for others to know the real me, so afraid to be vulnerable. I've put all my hopes to sleep. Because when u don't hope, you don't get disappointed. This is the new me.
I went to bala again on wed, and guess wat? I saw B with his friend. I was certain he saw me too but he tried to avoid me like plague. He couldnt be a man and say hi. Of course I don't feel good, but I hid my feelings, have a few drinks and all, looking forward to go to mambo. My friend doesn't want to see me affected, so I did my best to appear unaffected. I tried to be cool about it and I think I did a pretty good job.
I reached zouk, still feeling shitty but trying to enjoy myself. We danced, cork tease the men, party and drink. And I did something I never did before and never thought of doing. I brought a man home. I actually want to have an ONS. He looks kinda cool. I cant recall who initiated it but it came all naturally. He seemed like a seasoned player. I reached home, sober up a little and became extremely nervous as this is my 1st time. I never even had a fling before and now I m going to have a one nite stand with a man I met for the 1st time. It was awkward for me, I cant' say that I feel good or lousy. I just wanted to do it, something different to distract myself. I tried to be cool abt it as well, told him we din have to exchange nos and pretend we are gonna call. But by saying that, I wasnt cool. I should have just get it over and done with and not say anything. He was well prepared, I wouldnt say he's bad, he's got good bed ettiquettes and all. And most importantly, he smelt so good. And might I add, he's a good kisser too. Another 2 brownie points for him. And I said something totally uncool to him, I din think that I did that good, I mean performance in bed and all, so I told him it was my 1st ONS. You 'r kidding me, he said. I reply, well, believe if you want to. I said that maybe in a way to justify my lack of performance :p. The truth is I think I m suffering from low self esteem. Like how my friend keep telling me that I m very unattractive to men coz I m too skinny. That men like woman with flesh and all. Therefore I become very conscious when I have to bare my body. The fact is I actually love my body, I think I m porportionate, just a little thin. I do have boobs that are not miserably small. I told him I can't stand having someone around me all the time, that's why I don't want a relationship. I feel suffocated. I m lying.
He left after I wash up and all. The horrifying thing is that I think he's attractive after all, I have this secret hope of keeping him as a fuck buddy. I thought I can have sex like a man, detached and all but I think I did let a little emotion get into me, siilly me. But sorry, I can't control myself. It's not that I want him as a life partner and all, no, far from it. I guess I just want to be desired by him. I know he's probably had plenty of ONS before. I don't know, I m so confused. But I 'm ok with the fact that we din keep in touch and all but I know I will bump into him again when I go clubbing. The thing is I want to know I can do this. I can become this person I'm not. That I m not that uptight. I 've been very well behaved past 2 years that I been alone, I stay alone, it's so convenient and easy to bring men home but I've never. I put my trust in Him, at the end of the day, what do I get? I've not gone on a single date for more than 2 years. I been trying to do the right things all the time. I'm tired. I m lonely, I want to be wanted, I want to let go, I want to be a little bad, I want to do naughty things.
I want to become this person I'm not. It's scary when I think about how much I've changed over the past one month. Too much water under the bridge, too much have happened. And I'm supposed to go through it without being emotional, is that possible? Coz my friend claim she cant handle it when I'm emotional. I got over my ex bf death in 3 days. It's an amazing feat for me. And I did it by myself. My friends used to laugh at me, saying I m a nun, closed up, not having any sex, not meeting men and it's not that I m not attractive. Most of the time, I do get attention from the opposite sex when I go out. The thing is what am I now? I can't define myself. I've become a total slut. Now I party with an agenda, I want to find some action at the end of the day.
I went out on friday for a drink, some guys came over, they were just being friendly, talking and amusing me and my gf. Then we started talking a little, about crying, I m a cry baby, I cried at some weddings, when I m stressed up, I cry at movies, even at some cartoons. My eyes are like water wells, I can cry very easily, but of course I din say any of these to them. I do not want to be seemed as the vulnerable gal. So I said to them ; I've not shed a tear since I was 13. I don't know why, I want to cry and I feel sad and all the emotions, but I cant cry. The guys were shocked. Are you serious? They asked. Then this guy started saying; maybe it's because you never gave your all in anything, you kept a part of you always, u are afraid to give it all, u have emotions insurance, that's why u never cry at anything. Is that right? I asked. Maybe you are right. I told him. But I know it's the total opposite. I gave too much of myself in all things, I feel too much for things. I cry watching Finding Nemo. I cry listening to songs. But what am I trying to do here? I m lying, I m covering myself up in this shell which I feel comfortable hiding behind. I looked too cool, too tough and that's the way I want it. My friends doesnt want me emotional and I feel protected when I have this shield, when pple don't know the real me. The desperado who feel lonely, who needs someone badly, who 's been hurt time and again, who can't detached herself from the past, who have all this romanticism in her that she's trying to put it all away, who cherish the hope of being married and wants to dedicate herself to being a good wife and mother.
I know what I 've become ; A cynical angry depressive maniac, a complusive liar who live in denial. Maybe I 'm just trying to hurt God, coz I m angry, I m pissed. Maybe I m just hurting myself in the end. Maybe I m just living for the moment. I 'm putting this down in a blog so that in case I lost my identity, one day, I can retrieve it back if I want to. This is a phrase, maybe. Or this could be permanant. I m scared to shit sometimes at what I've done, what I've become. Inside me, I m miserable. But I do enjoy the carefree new me sometimes, like I can cork tease strangers and party without care and worry. I like pretending that I can't stand marriage and all. Maybe if I pretend long enough, I will become this person, this shell I been hiding behind. That's not a bad idea, right. Then I wont have so much hopes and dreams dashed. I can be at peace, without feeling any lack. This is me now.
I guess I can't really let go. Instead, I've tried to become the person I 'm not. I've become a cynic, I hide behind this shell, so afraid for others to know the real me, so afraid to be vulnerable. I've put all my hopes to sleep. Because when u don't hope, you don't get disappointed. This is the new me.
I went to bala again on wed, and guess wat? I saw B with his friend. I was certain he saw me too but he tried to avoid me like plague. He couldnt be a man and say hi. Of course I don't feel good, but I hid my feelings, have a few drinks and all, looking forward to go to mambo. My friend doesn't want to see me affected, so I did my best to appear unaffected. I tried to be cool about it and I think I did a pretty good job.
I reached zouk, still feeling shitty but trying to enjoy myself. We danced, cork tease the men, party and drink. And I did something I never did before and never thought of doing. I brought a man home. I actually want to have an ONS. He looks kinda cool. I cant recall who initiated it but it came all naturally. He seemed like a seasoned player. I reached home, sober up a little and became extremely nervous as this is my 1st time. I never even had a fling before and now I m going to have a one nite stand with a man I met for the 1st time. It was awkward for me, I cant' say that I feel good or lousy. I just wanted to do it, something different to distract myself. I tried to be cool abt it as well, told him we din have to exchange nos and pretend we are gonna call. But by saying that, I wasnt cool. I should have just get it over and done with and not say anything. He was well prepared, I wouldnt say he's bad, he's got good bed ettiquettes and all. And most importantly, he smelt so good. And might I add, he's a good kisser too. Another 2 brownie points for him. And I said something totally uncool to him, I din think that I did that good, I mean performance in bed and all, so I told him it was my 1st ONS. You 'r kidding me, he said. I reply, well, believe if you want to. I said that maybe in a way to justify my lack of performance :p. The truth is I think I m suffering from low self esteem. Like how my friend keep telling me that I m very unattractive to men coz I m too skinny. That men like woman with flesh and all. Therefore I become very conscious when I have to bare my body. The fact is I actually love my body, I think I m porportionate, just a little thin. I do have boobs that are not miserably small. I told him I can't stand having someone around me all the time, that's why I don't want a relationship. I feel suffocated. I m lying.
He left after I wash up and all. The horrifying thing is that I think he's attractive after all, I have this secret hope of keeping him as a fuck buddy. I thought I can have sex like a man, detached and all but I think I did let a little emotion get into me, siilly me. But sorry, I can't control myself. It's not that I want him as a life partner and all, no, far from it. I guess I just want to be desired by him. I know he's probably had plenty of ONS before. I don't know, I m so confused. But I 'm ok with the fact that we din keep in touch and all but I know I will bump into him again when I go clubbing. The thing is I want to know I can do this. I can become this person I'm not. That I m not that uptight. I 've been very well behaved past 2 years that I been alone, I stay alone, it's so convenient and easy to bring men home but I've never. I put my trust in Him, at the end of the day, what do I get? I've not gone on a single date for more than 2 years. I been trying to do the right things all the time. I'm tired. I m lonely, I want to be wanted, I want to let go, I want to be a little bad, I want to do naughty things.
I want to become this person I'm not. It's scary when I think about how much I've changed over the past one month. Too much water under the bridge, too much have happened. And I'm supposed to go through it without being emotional, is that possible? Coz my friend claim she cant handle it when I'm emotional. I got over my ex bf death in 3 days. It's an amazing feat for me. And I did it by myself. My friends used to laugh at me, saying I m a nun, closed up, not having any sex, not meeting men and it's not that I m not attractive. Most of the time, I do get attention from the opposite sex when I go out. The thing is what am I now? I can't define myself. I've become a total slut. Now I party with an agenda, I want to find some action at the end of the day.
I went out on friday for a drink, some guys came over, they were just being friendly, talking and amusing me and my gf. Then we started talking a little, about crying, I m a cry baby, I cried at some weddings, when I m stressed up, I cry at movies, even at some cartoons. My eyes are like water wells, I can cry very easily, but of course I din say any of these to them. I do not want to be seemed as the vulnerable gal. So I said to them ; I've not shed a tear since I was 13. I don't know why, I want to cry and I feel sad and all the emotions, but I cant cry. The guys were shocked. Are you serious? They asked. Then this guy started saying; maybe it's because you never gave your all in anything, you kept a part of you always, u are afraid to give it all, u have emotions insurance, that's why u never cry at anything. Is that right? I asked. Maybe you are right. I told him. But I know it's the total opposite. I gave too much of myself in all things, I feel too much for things. I cry watching Finding Nemo. I cry listening to songs. But what am I trying to do here? I m lying, I m covering myself up in this shell which I feel comfortable hiding behind. I looked too cool, too tough and that's the way I want it. My friends doesnt want me emotional and I feel protected when I have this shield, when pple don't know the real me. The desperado who feel lonely, who needs someone badly, who 's been hurt time and again, who can't detached herself from the past, who have all this romanticism in her that she's trying to put it all away, who cherish the hope of being married and wants to dedicate herself to being a good wife and mother.
I know what I 've become ; A cynical angry depressive maniac, a complusive liar who live in denial. Maybe I 'm just trying to hurt God, coz I m angry, I m pissed. Maybe I m just hurting myself in the end. Maybe I m just living for the moment. I 'm putting this down in a blog so that in case I lost my identity, one day, I can retrieve it back if I want to. This is a phrase, maybe. Or this could be permanant. I m scared to shit sometimes at what I've done, what I've become. Inside me, I m miserable. But I do enjoy the carefree new me sometimes, like I can cork tease strangers and party without care and worry. I like pretending that I can't stand marriage and all. Maybe if I pretend long enough, I will become this person, this shell I been hiding behind. That's not a bad idea, right. Then I wont have so much hopes and dreams dashed. I can be at peace, without feeling any lack. This is me now.
posted by Birkenstocker at 8:04 AM
3 Comments:
It's no sin to treat yourselves better, to be pissed at God, to let go and enjoy your life without thinkin of the next moment. Of course, all that applies unless you are a pious nun. Pardon my intrusion. And I once ask myself that question: What am I now? The answer: I am what I am because of my past, because of what I am doing now, and because of decisions I have made about the future. You can't do anything about the past, but definitely you can do a hell lot for your future. Lastly, pardon my rambling.
If you dont venture out of your shell and try new things, how will you know where your limits are?
It could be your way of starting things anew after what had happened for the past 3 years. Whatever you do, just believe in it. You only start to lose yourself when there if nothing for yout to believe in anymore.
That said, thanks for dropping by my site. Love your comments always.
Hugz!
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