Dating again

Dating can be quite a scary scene, esp for me since I havent dated for the longest time.... more than 4 years. So much have happened, no time n energy to blog, no dat anyone really care to read it anyway. My blog is boring. My life is duh .... Anyway this blog is for myself anyway. Like a little black diary stashed away in case I try to find myself again.

So much have happened, I muster enough courage to join the dating loft. Went to sign up early this year. New year, new change, I thought.I just wanna be out n meet people who are interested in dating. Just a trial. In short, a dinner was organised, 4 gals n 4 guys, comfortable setting, 3 course where u get to know n have conversations with all the guys. I guess I was lucky, expecting to meet weirdos n ners. Turn out the guys were all eligible, pleasant looking n well spoken. I singled out 2 for a single date.

March, I met 'Tom Cruise'. I called him dat as he have very intense eyes, eurasian. Dad is from Europe n mum from indonesia. He's about 1.75m. Quite good looking, y the hell did he join dating loft for, I wondered. We met at a nice resturant at Empress place. The date went on well, we exchanged contact n all.

Cut the story short, he did ask me out after his trip back from Europe, we went out in April. Next date, in May. We met like once a month. The tarot card reader predicted him before he even appear in my life. I thought he's the one, according to her. The truth is there is no one.... don't ever wait for anyone to bail you out.

June 14, we went out for dinner. It's been a while since we met n no progress, my friend suggest dat I shake him up a bit. We had a nice dinner, a walk at robertson quay, then dessert. Dat's when I dig, can see he's uncomfortable in telling me. I asked how he pick up gals from attica.... I realised 30 mins later dat he's seeing many other gals. That's nothing wrong, really. We were nvr exclusive. We nvr talked abt exclusivity. But now I realised dat we are not meeting often not coz he's busy with work. He's busy with other gals. He's rotating me into his schedule, u know like a rotiserrie chicken hanging on skewers at cold storage.

I m not putting up a fight for this one, not worth it. Unless I feel dat he has a liking for me n has not made up his mind yet. I m not gonna be one of his gals who take turns to have dinner with him, esp after I read the book 'Why Men Marry Bitches'. I m determined to be a bitch, not because I yearned for a big rock on my finger, but because I aint hard up. Quote : I rather be disliked for who I am than to be loved for who I am not.

My big fat balloon burst. Not because he's eligible or he's good looking, I don't need his money or even fancy his (private lift) apt at East Coast, I like him coz I thought there was a strong connection there, emotionally. I thought he knew who I really and I thought this could be it. Wisdom of a fool won't set me free. Well, I realised dat he's not emotionally available, or maybe just not for me. I thought we had a great time hanging out but probably dat's just me.

Everytime I passed by the Singapore flyer, I thought of him. Hoping dat we could have the 1st experience up there together. What a naive fool I've been.... he asked me a few times if I 've been on it. I told him no but I would like to go there one day with someone. I meant someone, anyone so can take pics for me. He said 'well, we can go there together someday.' I was silent. I no longer yearn for it. Now I cant face the flyer anymore without aching, at least for a while. So today, I've decided to go on the flyer this week. I wanna face the giant myself, most prob on a weekday afternoon when it's less crowded. Did I mention I m afraid of heights?

I can do this, I can be the bitch I always wanted to be. I m whole, secured and complete on my own. I have a great life ahead of me.I m gonna be very happy if I get married. And if I stay single, I will be very happy too. Talk about finding love in all the wrong places. Gosh, I paid a f^%#%&* dating agency! If even dat is considered 'wrong place', where is the right place. God damn it! I m pissed! But then again, why is love so hard? : (

What am I now?

I try to put the past behind me. I know it's not necessary to find the answer to every question. It's not easy to do that, at least not for me. To let go of everything in the past is like living detached, devoid. It's like denying the person that I've become. I m now because of my past, isn't it?

I guess I can't really let go. Instead, I've tried to become the person I 'm not. I've become a cynic, I hide behind this shell, so afraid for others to know the real me, so afraid to be vulnerable. I've put all my hopes to sleep. Because when u don't hope, you don't get disappointed. This is the new me.

I went to bala again on wed, and guess wat? I saw B with his friend. I was certain he saw me too but he tried to avoid me like plague. He couldnt be a man and say hi. Of course I don't feel good, but I hid my feelings, have a few drinks and all, looking forward to go to mambo. My friend doesn't want to see me affected, so I did my best to appear unaffected. I tried to be cool about it and I think I did a pretty good job.

I reached zouk, still feeling shitty but trying to enjoy myself. We danced, cork tease the men, party and drink. And I did something I never did before and never thought of doing. I brought a man home. I actually want to have an ONS. He looks kinda cool. I cant recall who initiated it but it came all naturally. He seemed like a seasoned player. I reached home, sober up a little and became extremely nervous as this is my 1st time. I never even had a fling before and now I m going to have a one nite stand with a man I met for the 1st time. It was awkward for me, I cant' say that I feel good or lousy. I just wanted to do it, something different to distract myself. I tried to be cool abt it as well, told him we din have to exchange nos and pretend we are gonna call. But by saying that, I wasnt cool. I should have just get it over and done with and not say anything. He was well prepared, I wouldnt say he's bad, he's got good bed ettiquettes and all. And most importantly, he smelt so good. And might I add, he's a good kisser too. Another 2 brownie points for him. And I said something totally uncool to him, I din think that I did that good, I mean performance in bed and all, so I told him it was my 1st ONS. You 'r kidding me, he said. I reply, well, believe if you want to. I said that maybe in a way to justify my lack of performance :p. The truth is I think I m suffering from low self esteem. Like how my friend keep telling me that I m very unattractive to men coz I m too skinny. That men like woman with flesh and all. Therefore I become very conscious when I have to bare my body. The fact is I actually love my body, I think I m porportionate, just a little thin. I do have boobs that are not miserably small. I told him I can't stand having someone around me all the time, that's why I don't want a relationship. I feel suffocated. I m lying.

He left after I wash up and all. The horrifying thing is that I think he's attractive after all, I have this secret hope of keeping him as a fuck buddy. I thought I can have sex like a man, detached and all but I think I did let a little emotion get into me, siilly me. But sorry, I can't control myself. It's not that I want him as a life partner and all, no, far from it. I guess I just want to be desired by him. I know he's probably had plenty of ONS before. I don't know, I m so confused. But I 'm ok with the fact that we din keep in touch and all but I know I will bump into him again when I go clubbing. The thing is I want to know I can do this. I can become this person I'm not. That I m not that uptight. I 've been very well behaved past 2 years that I been alone, I stay alone, it's so convenient and easy to bring men home but I've never. I put my trust in Him, at the end of the day, what do I get? I've not gone on a single date for more than 2 years. I been trying to do the right things all the time. I'm tired. I m lonely, I want to be wanted, I want to let go, I want to be a little bad, I want to do naughty things.

I want to become this person I'm not. It's scary when I think about how much I've changed over the past one month. Too much water under the bridge, too much have happened. And I'm supposed to go through it without being emotional, is that possible? Coz my friend claim she cant handle it when I'm emotional. I got over my ex bf death in 3 days. It's an amazing feat for me. And I did it by myself. My friends used to laugh at me, saying I m a nun, closed up, not having any sex, not meeting men and it's not that I m not attractive. Most of the time, I do get attention from the opposite sex when I go out. The thing is what am I now? I can't define myself. I've become a total slut. Now I party with an agenda, I want to find some action at the end of the day.

I went out on friday for a drink, some guys came over, they were just being friendly, talking and amusing me and my gf. Then we started talking a little, about crying, I m a cry baby, I cried at some weddings, when I m stressed up, I cry at movies, even at some cartoons. My eyes are like water wells, I can cry very easily, but of course I din say any of these to them. I do not want to be seemed as the vulnerable gal. So I said to them ; I've not shed a tear since I was 13. I don't know why, I want to cry and I feel sad and all the emotions, but I cant cry. The guys were shocked. Are you serious? They asked. Then this guy started saying; maybe it's because you never gave your all in anything, you kept a part of you always, u are afraid to give it all, u have emotions insurance, that's why u never cry at anything. Is that right? I asked. Maybe you are right. I told him. But I know it's the total opposite. I gave too much of myself in all things, I feel too much for things. I cry watching Finding Nemo. I cry listening to songs. But what am I trying to do here? I m lying, I m covering myself up in this shell which I feel comfortable hiding behind. I looked too cool, too tough and that's the way I want it. My friends doesnt want me emotional and I feel protected when I have this shield, when pple don't know the real me. The desperado who feel lonely, who needs someone badly, who 's been hurt time and again, who can't detached herself from the past, who have all this romanticism in her that she's trying to put it all away, who cherish the hope of being married and wants to dedicate herself to being a good wife and mother.

I know what I 've become ; A cynical angry depressive maniac, a complusive liar who live in denial. Maybe I 'm just trying to hurt God, coz I m angry, I m pissed. Maybe I m just hurting myself in the end. Maybe I m just living for the moment. I 'm putting this down in a blog so that in case I lost my identity, one day, I can retrieve it back if I want to. This is a phrase, maybe. Or this could be permanant. I m scared to shit sometimes at what I've done, what I've become. Inside me, I m miserable. But I do enjoy the carefree new me sometimes, like I can cork tease strangers and party without care and worry. I like pretending that I can't stand marriage and all. Maybe if I pretend long enough, I will become this person, this shell I been hiding behind. That's not a bad idea, right. Then I wont have so much hopes and dreams dashed. I can be at peace, without feeling any lack. This is me now.

Both sides now

So many things have happened in the past one month. It's overwhelming. My ex got married a month ago. At the same time, I met this Indonesian guy at zouk members bar. He's 3 years younger than me and he's kinda cute. So I thought good, I can use some distraction here. He comes here to visit his friends every month as he used to study here. He was kinda sweet and a little shy. I sent him back to the hotel, but we din do anything cause I didn't feel up to it. He jus held my hand and watch me sleep.

A week ago, my ex ex boyfriend drowned and died in Phuket. I freaked out when I receive the news. It's not that I still love him but why does he have to die suddenly? I broke down. I went to his wake, seeing his body lying in the coffin, so different. It was so surreal. The one that I used to love and hug, now lying there in that little box, so different. I had to fight back my tears at the wake, my eyes were already so puffed up crying at home. I held on till I reached the car, I broke down, I wept profusely. How can he just die on me like that? The 2 great loves I had in my life. One had a wedding, the other a funeral all within a month.

The Indonesian guy, B, told me he's coming back for the weekend and that he's gonna call me. Didn't want him to feel obligated, I told him he don't have to call if he's busy, but call me if he wants to. ' Don't be silly, I wanna call you', he said. So after mourning for my ex's death, I prepared myself for his coming. Went for facial, waxing, bought new lingerie and all. I thought he can be a distraction.

Friday, he 's not back yet, sat no call from him still. Think he came back on Sunday nite which I found out on Monday morning. Still no sound from him. By 7pm, after 3 martinis, I decided to drop him an sms. No reply after half an hour. After my fourth martini, I decide to call him. Several rings later, he picked up and abruptly told me he's busy, at a hawker center, call me back in half an hour. I was a little pissed with his reaction. After abt an hour later, sent him an sms; enjoy your stay and don't bother returning my call. It was my martini talking.

I went for dinner and 2nd round of drinks at balaclava which was boring as it was a monday nite. Except this 2 irritating duo who came over, onc with a deep receding hairline. Yes, now I m shallow. I only go for looks. I don't care if they are marriageable material or not, or if they make enough money. The band was good though, playing some hits which was poignant, hit right at my heart. I was in a state whereby I m ready to bring any cutie home if I come across one. I never even had a one nite stand before, nor a fling. But I m very emotionally vulnerable at this time.

What did I do wrong? I played by the rules. I nvr once mention anything abt feelings, emotions. I didn't even ask abt his status, single, married, attached? I m not looking for a relationship. I can't handle one now. I can't stand having someone around all the time. So there I tot B would be the perfect fling, company whatever since he's hardly in town. But now he just dropped me like a pin. Shite! I can't even define us. We are not a fling, not a one nite stand ( I din even sleep with him), let alone a relationship. We are jus a 'whatever'. And now I m being dropped by a 'whatever'. I know how paranoid guys can get when gals talked abt feelings and all. I skipped all of that. Anyway, we only met twice. I abide by the rules to the best of my knowledge, and now I m being dropped like a pin. I m pathetic. I broke down, not because I feel for this B jerk, but because I felt so rejected, so worthless. I was picked up by him and dropped just like that. Nothing. He didn't even bother a word. He cant be fucking bothered to say or show anything.

Can my life get worse than this? I've not had a relationship for 3 years. Dropped. I was dropped just like that, no rhyme or reason. With all the drama going on in my life, I thought that some distraction will do me good, but now it only made me feel worse about myself. I don't wanna play games, I just want some straight talking. Lay your cards and all. I can handle that better than being kept guessing.

Yes, u think I m pathetic and probably u are right! If you are a player and u chance upon this blog, please give me some advice and point out why am I being dropped like that. Pls offer yr 2 cents worth of thoughts, appreciate that very much. I m confused and lost.

Before Sunset

My ex is getting married. It's so unfair. All my exes get married very soon after they left me. It's heart breaking. Maybe I m only good for short encounters. They all loved me to bits when we were together.

I always feel like a freak because I'm never able to move on like this! You know? People just have an affair or even...entire relationships...they break up and they forget! They move on like they would have changed brand of cereals! I feel I was never able to forget anyone I've been with. Because each person have...their own specific qualities. You can never replace anyone. What is lost is lost.

Each relationship when it ends really damages me; I never fully recover. That's why I'm very careful with getting involved because...it hurts too much! Even getting laid - I actually don't do that. I will miss of the person the most mundane things. Like I'm obsessed with little things. You can never replace anyone, because everyone is made of such beautiful specific details.

I guess when you're young...you just believe there'll be many people with whom you'll connect with. Later in life you realize it only happens a few times. Well, the past is the past. It was meant to be that way. Maybe some people are good at only brief encounters.

Couples are so confused, uh lately. I think it must be that...men need to feel essential, and they don't anymore. Because it's been imprinted in their heads for so many years that they had to be the provider...like I, I'm a strong independent woman in my professional life. I don't need a man to feed me but I still need a man to love me and that I could love, you know. For me it's better I don't romanticize things as much anymore. I was suffering so much all the time. I still have lots of dreams, but they're not in regard to my love life.

Even being alone...it's better than...sitting next to a lover and feeling lonely. It's not so easy for me to be all romantic. You start off that way and after you've been screwed over a few times...you...you…you forget about all your delusional ideas and you just take what comes into your life. That's not even true I haven't been...screwed over, I've just had too many blah relationships.

Reality and love are almost contradictory for me. It's funny...every single of my ex’s...they're now married! Men go out with me, we break up, and then they get married! And later they call me to thank me for teaching them what love is. The love of your life? The concept is absurd; the idea that we can only be complete with another person is...EVIL!! RIGHT??!! You know, I guess I've been heartbroken too many times. And then I recovered. So now, you know, from the starts I make no effort…because I know it’s not going to work out, I know it’s not going to work out.
I know I can't live your life trying to avoid pain. There's been so much water under the bridge, it's...it's not even about him anymore, it's about that time, that moment in time that is forever gone, I don't know!

I'm so miserable in my love life, in my relationship, I always act as... like...you know, I'm detached, but I'm... I'm dying inside. I'm dying because I'm so numb. I don't feel pain, or excitement. I'm not even bitter.

Ok now God , where are you? I 'm beginning to turn into an angry. depresssive maniac. Where are your promises for me? My life has turned into a mockery. Is it all my fault? Where does my faults lie? I 'm a huge joke and I have enough.

I've friends, unfaithful time n again, demanding yet they have someone who love them loads, effortlessly. Me? struggling to keep alive. IT's so unfair. I've had enough. I really don't think I deserve all this. I loved them with all of my heart. I m not mother Theresa, turn someone into something better, taught them something valuable, they left and lived a better life, and here I m, mourning away all the good years. I don't want to wait in vain....

Confused?

If my state of life is miserable right now, I simply have no idea. As far as I m concerned, I m pretty happy with my work, I have a great family, almost. I stay by myself, which means I have my own personal space. I have friends whom I can go out with n talk to whenever I like it. I love God n I feel fulfilled spiritually, almost. The only thing that others think are lacking is a man, soulmate aka partner.

Not that I do not want to settle down, I certainly do. At this point of time, I m just in my comfort zone. I love lazing around at home jus doing nothing sometimes, with my pile of laundry to be done, my doggy's poo to be cleared. I take a day off work sometime, just to romance a good book. I constantly wanna spend more time with my nieces n nephew before they grow up n lead their own lives (currently, I m still lotsa fun to them). I enjoyed inviting my friends over for dinner n dvd at times. Currently I m working hard n saving towards my own home where I can jus laze around the pool n have a ice cold beer. A pad I can call my own. There's no space for someone special at this point of time. The whole cycle would be disrupted.

According to my previous experience, this is the time when 'He' will show up, disrupt my fuss free lifestyle right now, sweep me off my feet n suddenly I become acutely aware that my 2 and half years of singleton is mere misery n empty. How did I get by all these while? How did I manage to convince myself that I was having a great time? But the fact is I m really pretty cool abt my status quo right now. Have I became so good in convincing myself that I m having a whale of a time which I will come to miss once 'He' arrived? And after a year or so, 'He' end up to be some jackass aka slime pus, or a total misfit for me. Someone totally wrong for me.


It happened twice before, I m so afraid for the whole cycle to repeat again, like a broken record player, playing the bad tune over n over n over again. I should be a smart gal, at least I was told. A smart gal do not repeat a mistake, but it happened twice before, and now I m terrified but at the some time, there's this little part of me that wish this time it will turn out alright. Hang in there! 'He' has not appeared yet, not that I know of. I can't even see a tiny spot moving towards me at the end of the road. But something's telling me that it's coming. The whole cycle. I do not mind really but it better end up good. I m so confused right now that I don't even know wat I really want anymore.

I should just carry on enjoying my singleton till 'He' comes. 'He' better be worth it then.

Embracing a new Decade

Ageing is never an easy process. Even though many said that I don't look a day after 27, the thought of having to admit that I m thirty sent shivers down my spine. But I m not going to lie shamelessly. I never had to lie about my age n am not ready to do so. Not that I love soliciting for comments that I look younger than my actual age, it still take a lot of getting used to than you think. The most scary part abt this new age box is not abt admitting, telling people your age, but the string of questions that comes after that.

Such as "So are you married?" or you just sense their eyes lingering to your right ring finger. Next to come,
"U must be seeing someone special or engaged?". This is not a statment, it's a question.
If your answer is "No, not at all!", next you observe a slightly arch eyebrow which means silent judgment.
"Just broke up?" merely means he/she is trying to salvage the awkward silent.
"Nope, I've been single for....let's see 2 yrs 3 mths." and from there I sense a death sentence is passed. Something must be very wrong with her. Hmm.... Stay away or proceed with caution. Urgh.... I hate this. I might be cynical here, but I've been thru this like a zillion times. That's when I hate chinese new year, where cousins 5 years younger than you became a parent, trying to give you all kinds of dating advice, showing off their marriage bliss, refraining from showing u what they really feel inside. Trying to tell you that I m missing out something big (as if I dun oredi know). It's frustrating n irritating at the same time. These friends n cousins are those u bullied them into playing stupid games with you when u were younger and they still look up to you for being the big sister, they envied me that I get to join cool uniform ECA in school. These are the same people that despised me now. Can anything be worse than that? There she is right here, my older single weirdo cousin, with a job n a dog, but not a life!

Yes, they try to pretend that their life isnt cool at all, as they reminsince how they miss the dating scene (as if), how diapers n baby talk rule their lives (rubbing their hubby hands, looking into their eyes at the same time). N yes, you are right, I m being a bit bitter here. I mean, dun have to pretend u are missing my life when u dun miss it a bit at all. Turning thirty is tough enough, esp when they see 30 year old single woman as a society leper.

My best friend who turned 30 a month before me reminded me that from now onwards, whenever I fill out an application form or survey, I need to get used to the idea that I m in an entirely new age box []30-35, so tick the right box. I m not filling out survey forms officially.

By now, u must be thinking that I m a desperate, uninteresting, scary looking, possibly obese, cynical, angry-depressive self serving maniac without a life.

There are perks to being in your 30s. Like u are now able to officially carry red lipstick well(not that I wear red). Being in my 30s means I m wiser too(hopefully). Being 30s generally mean you are more confident n not the type that constantly ask a man wat he's thinking. Women in their 30s generally are not clingy, they have a life of their own, their own opinions, they are usually not upset if your views differ from them.I don't solicit for compliments. If I wanna know how I look, I simply open my mouth n ask. I dun get upset when I dun get positive comments that I like to hear.
I believe in ageing gracefully n not having to lie abt my age. I can eat at hawker centers alone at ease without feeling that eyes are staring at me. I go for 1st dates without having to powder my face every 10 mins, I eat a full meal even on a 1st date without trying to pretend to pick at my salad. I love my food and am proud of it.

Yes ,there's room for improvement in every area. Well, I m still under construction. But I m definitely doing my best to embrace the next decade with grace n confidence!
At least, I m trying...

Movie Whore

I was asked the question recently, 'Will u watch a movie more than once?'. Sure, I will, in fact up to 10 times. I m quite a fuss pot when it comes to movies, but if I love it, then I will watch it again n again till I can recite some of the tag lines. I love mostly chick flicks n a few good thrillers.

So if u wanna run a dvd marathon at home, here's some movies that I love n feel it's worth watching a couple of times ;

1) When Harry met Sally
2) Serendipity
3) Runaway Jury
4) As good as it gets
5) Amelie (french)
6) Bridget Jones Diary 1 & 2
7) Before sunset (must watch)
8) U've got mail
9) Love me if u dare (french)
10) Dirty Dancing
11) The incredibles
12) Jerry Maguire

Guys, dun swear at me... I m not the thriller gal n I dun love cheesy romantic comedies either... I love feel good movies. There's this stupid movie I ‘ve watched and it's really really funny, had me laughing for a good whole 2 hours, 'Harold n Kumar goes to white castle'.

Well, the list is jus for reference. One man 's meat can be another's poison...

Feel free to share yr list, I love dvd marathons!!!